Thanks to our village
LAUREN HAZE
I sit, barely awake and turn over to look at my beautiful sleeping toddler. Last night was Félix 1, Mummy 0. He’s having a mini sleep regression, the exasperation of which (mostly) slips away as I’m drinking my coffee, looking at his blonde curls, at how big he is, and I can’t believe today marks the third anniversary of becoming a mother. It’s also been nearly a year of doing this alone.
I’ve never wanted to be overly visible on The Fourth, as it’s very much about each woman becoming a mother, and not about me, but I realise today I am also part of that community.
For our fourth edition, today feels like a great opportunity to answer the Motherhood Diaries questions myself.
What I wish I’d known before giving birth...
"What inspired The Fourth was recognising the magnitude of the transformation of becoming a totally new human, the birth of your new self, and the lack of emotional, mental and physical support available. I read all the books, the blogs, listened to the podcasts, did the hypnobirthing course, the bump and baby classes and still… none of it can prepare you for seeing your child’s face for the first time, the recovery of the birth, the moment you get home, and it's just you. I wish I’d known to plan for more than the physical experience of giving birth. A full freezer was a great start, but I didn’t consider at all what emotional or mental support I might have needed. I wish I’d have known to be kinder to myself. I was trying to please everyone, and found myself pushing to accommodate everyone else, and deprioritising my recovery. One time I was driving my 5-week-old baby alone to a family lunch in London, feeling beyond overwhelmed and alone."
The hardest part of postpartum...
"For me, I was acutely aware of looking out for postnatal depression, as someone who had suffered with depression for several years before. What I didn’t learn about until a lot later was postnatal anxiety. My perfectionist tendencies and the lack of control you have over a newborn are a challenging combination. The hours I spent in a dark room trying to get him to sleep! It felt really lonely, despite my being so fortunate to have my mum, sister and some amazing friends around me. It hadn’t come easy to fall pregnant either, so I felt like I couldn’t say how hard I found some of it when I’d wanted him so much. My feelings felt so extreme; such highs from never having loved someone so much in my whole life, and yet the tiredness from having a baby who didn’t really love to sleep gave incredible lows, all whilst recovering from a c-section."
The best surprise about postpartum...
"I couldn’t imagine what he looked like whilst pregnant, and didn’t even really love being pregnant in honesty. When I saw that face rise above the blue curtain for the first time, I have never and will never forget that moment.
The immense love was like nothing I’ve ever experienced. Félix is the love of my life. Getting to know his soul and his beautiful personality has been my biggest joy, whilst also pushing me to grow the most as a person. The memories really are priceless.
My relationship with my own body has also shifted, as someone who didn’t have a great relationship to my body before the birth, I now feel immensely proud of the strength of my body for growing a human, for keeping him alive.
Finally, the community of women I have bonded with over the past three years has got me through everything, and for them I am eternally grateful. The women who have helped to mother Félix; the other mothers answering my questions and worries; the professional women like my OB, Dr Angela Yulia, the midwives, the doulas, the nutritionists. My own family women, my mother, my sister. The village Félix and I now have, made up of incredible friends, mothers and fathers, has been the greatest gift."